Okay no not really! But that's sort of what this ramble is going to sound like. Bear with me, I need to get it off my chest.
It occurred to me this morning that Spring is perfectly reflecting my own state of mind at the moment. Some days (or hours if you live in Auckland) are so stunning that you feel your heart might burst with happiness. The sun is getting so warm again, everything is bursting into bloom and you want nothing more than to kick your shoes off and run barefoot through the grass. But at the same time it's so uncertain and unpredictable. Out of nowhere a cold southerly wind sweeps in from the sea and you find yourself standing there drenched after a freak rain shower.
Now don't get me wrong, I love being a mother more than anything in the world. Some how the lack of sleep, the never ending laundry, the complete lack of independence, the need to put somebody else before yourself at all times... it's 100% worth it! But now we're slowly getting to the point where Ayana is able to entertain herself for a little bit longer, where I can leave her with another family member for a couple of hours and where her focus is beginning to shift to things other than just me (or rather my boobs!). I am noticing that other mothers with babies of a similar age are slowly heading back to work and it's making me wonder I'm going to do. I don't want to be a full time stay at home mother with no focus other than my child/ren, I always knew that. Maybe it's selfish but somehow that's not fulfilling enough for me. I need other projects and have additional goals I want to achieve. I think I always imagined that I would work from home when I became a mother. Anyway get back on track Malayka! What I'm trying to say is that I've hit that point that I think many mothers do of, who am I now?? Many of my goals have shifted, my focus is obviously not the same as before, heck I don't even know what my personal fashion style is anymore! It's great in many ways, it's like being given a clean slate. Here you go, start again! Create yourself to be whoever you want! But the old, more juvenile me is loitering just below the surface too and doesn't want to be left behind. How do you find that balance? Does it just take time? Or is the fact that I even have time to sit and ponder all these things mean that I clearly have far too much time already?? It sure doesn't feel like it!
Oh me, me, me! Life is fantastic, beyond fantastic! I'm just trying to smooth over a few rough edges I think.
Thanks for putting up with this little self rant. xx
I know exactly how you feel, I often find myself pondering if I should go and find a job, in fact I have decided I will do some form of work next year for at least 2 days a week and some freelance on the weekends. I resigned as a early childhood teacher last month and now wonder if I did the right thing as it it would of been easy to return there but then I look at my lil mans face and know I made the right decision. It is harder when you are breast feeding, Brent often gives me a mummy's night out with the girls so I can blow off some steam and feel like my old self but then he is on the bottle now. Everything will fall into place and no its not selfish you wear many hats and sometimes you need to have moments to yourself where you can still grow as an individual and that will further reflect in your darling girls upbringing. xxx
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